Monday, September 2, 2019

The State of the Heart

I made all of these with prisma-color pencils. Yes, the hearts are all done free-hand.
These are in ascending order, so the first one is the most recent piece I have finished, followed by the one before and the one before that, in the Heart Series

Healed Heart - True

I was at The Younique Foundation retreat last week. During the retreat was art journaling, and I saw a stencil of a huge heart with all these little bits in it. Robert was on my mind a LOT during those first two days. I was seriously homesick. We are in such a good place, better than ever, and it was really hard to be away from him, but I knew I needed to be there. So I saw that heart stencil and I thought of me and Robert! So I created an integrated heart, like two hearts into one.

I'm the nature-lovin' tree-huggin' girl. He's the city sysadmin high-tech boy. His favorite color is red, mine is green. We both love purple and colors, and, we both love and appreciate each other. I was quite happy I was able to finish it on Wednesday the 28th of 2019! The last night of the retreat. I was so happy to present this to Robert. He hung it up above his desk. <3

"Healed" Heart

I started this in 2003 and completed it in 2005. I was a mom of a two year old. I started it while pregnant after my therapist told me I was "fine" totally mentally healthy. She had somehow totally missed that I was complaining of PTSD symptoms that were still present in my life. I can talk theory really well, but in practice life is very different. Perhaps that's why. I finished it to show Robert how much he had helped my heart heal, and here is my nicely healed heart just for him. Except that's also when he said he wanted a divorce (oh, irony), but that turned into a separation for two years. We worked it out, praise be, but the timing was interesting to say the least. Also, I wanted to kick myself for making blue flowers instead of purple flowers in the first one. Oh well.

Harmed Heart

I was severally depressed with suicidal ideation when I did this back when I was 20 years old in 1999. When I showed Robert  I asked him if he knew whose hand it was. He said, "Mine?" I said, "Sometimes." But that's not who it really was. For whatever reason I couldn't say who it was at that time, I think I was too surprised thinking it could be him. But really it was Ojiji, my paternal parent whose actions against me growing up caused PTSD. After I completed it, I instantly wished I could redo the flames in a more realistic way, but oh well. 

Freedom Flowers - a Visual of the Effects of Patriarchy on Men and Women

If you want to just look at the images and their titles without the rest, go for it. Just keep on scrollin'. 

These are essentially anti-patriarchy, and pro allowing everyone to be fully human. Upon looking at these, I realized that perhaps I need to expand this to include nonbinary people. So many of my daughter's friends are non-binary. They deserve to be represented too. 

I did all of these in pastel back in 2016,  if I recall correctly

A Girl's Soul

I had listened to a talk by Dieter Uchtdorf about how women weren't forgotten, so I did made these for-get-me-nots using pastels. The whole tiny little flowers thing reminded me of being small and little, and suddenly it felt like a little girl's soul I was working on, with brightness and innocence but hidden darkness, unseen. It was hard to remember the cheer of girl-hood.

A Woman's Soul

Then I suddenly just had to do the soul of a woman, what happens to this flower? And all the darkness surrounding it, and all the pain and suffering being a woman in a culture that blames us for when we are abused or raped, even when it happens when we are children, and how it's like we lose our center, and all the blood, and pain, unable to see what the flower was originally. 

I showed it to Robert, my spouse, and he said it was beautiful. I told him the meaning and he looked at me and said, it's still beautiful, even with all that. I hadn't considered that angle, and it really touched me deeply. I told him the titles and the link between them (I was still not quite believing it was beautiful), and he asked me to make one for boys. I was stunned. So I did.

A Boy's Soul

I thought about what flower to use to represent boys and the daffodil felt right to me. They're bright, and cheerful with their little outie centers, and they stand up tall. I made it in contrast with "A Girl's Soul" since boys are afforded so much more opportunity than girls, but, I had to remember, that hidden corollary darkness was there, just a lot harder to see. 

A Man's Soul

Creating sharp edges, must be strong, with a ray of light for hope, and darkness around and within, yet somehow also on top of the world, though emotionally gray - boys don't cry, forced to be blunted, yet bold and daring, with a lot more symmetry in the orange lines.

I showed the two to Robert, and when he saw "A Man's Soul" he got quiet. After a moment, I asked him, "Did I get it right?" A heartbeat, then "Yeah." He went back to playing a computer game. It felt strange to do this since it wasn't my lived experience, but I got it right, at least for him, and that was enough.

Mother Earth, and the Synergy Between High-tech Humanity and Nature

A couple of  art pieces I made for my Robert, the best spouse I could have asked for.

This is all straight up color pencils. I was 19 or 20. Mother Earth, and the way we were dealing with the planet was heavily on my mind, and still is. I made it while working night shift at the gas station. My boyfriend, now spouse, tried to steal it before I was done. I objected. He said, "It looks done to me!" And I was like, "Well, it's not!" I swiped it back and told him he could have it when I was done.  He admitted it was better after I was done with the shading. He still has it, of course.

There is a glare with this one, and I didn't wanna take it out of the frame so here it is with some glare. I painted this for my spouse about two or three years ago. It's watercolor and ink, a synergy between our digital high-tech world and the world of nature, which includes ourselves. Also, I'm the tree hugger, and he's the techi (sys admin).

Pencil Sketches created by Past Me.

I decided it was time to share some of artwork. Part of that inspiration, I will say, is because I would love to take part in the newest 78 Tarot deck theme, all about our beautiful planet Earth that keeps us safe from physical oblivion. These are some of my old favorite pencil sketches, that were, I will admit, the easiest ones to nab. I may share other past sketches in the future (though, once shared, aren't they all past sketches?)

I sketched this out while working at a gas station during night shift. I gave it to my boyfriend now husband (he still has it, of course).  I was 19 years old.

 I am not sure when I sketched this out. Within the last five years I'm sure. I believe I sketched it out while playing Exalted.

 I drew this in my early 20's. I was clearly in a mood.

 I just think this little guy I made up while doodling and taking notes it just so cute. I made it about four years ago? 5?

This was a doodle in the notes about Mara and Buddha. I was really struggling at that time with my personal Mara, and it really helped give that aspect of myself a name. This is my favorite doodle. Also done about 4 or 5 years ago.